Disclaimer: I wrote this straight after a hot yoga class, with the intention of turning it into a more polished article, then decided that it would be more honest to publish it unedited… If you are offended by swearing, you should probably stop reading now. I can only blame the heat đ
So⌠are there any ânormalâ yoga classes here? No? Hot yoga it is then.
The studio seems to have been designed in homage to an early nineties Eastern European dance club. Itâs all disco lights and concrete.
Still at least the lights arenât actually changing colour.
Oh no wait. They are.
It seems the teacher was joking when she said the studio isnât that hot. Itâs hot as fuck. Iâve still not got to grips with the Californian sense of humour.
Shit, Iâve put my mat down at the back only to discover that the back is the front. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. I need to move.
Itâs far too late to move. The class is filling up and the teacher has already spotted me and given me a donât-even-think-about-moving-now-I-have-you-in-my-sights toothy All-American grin. Â Better brave this one out.
Letâs be nonchalant. I can just do a few cat-cows, a little plank. Pretend that I do yoga in the fires of hell every day.
On second thoughts, moving is bad. Need to stop moving. Move as little as possible. Itâs so goddamned hot. How long would it take me to get to the door from here? It looks locked. Is it locked?
No one panic. I think Iâm panicking. Is this what a panic attack feels like?
Calm, be calm. Focus on your breathing. This is what yoga is all about.
This is not what yoga is all about. Â
Iâm dizzy. Itâs so hot. Does everyone in here have breast implants? I think they might.
Oh no wait, thereâs a guy over there. He just caught my eye and smiled. Iâm getting flat chest solidarity vibes from him. Thatâs nice.
Ok time to start. The teacher just told us that the first rule is that you arenât allowed to leave. Iâm pretty sure this time she wasnât joking. Even Fight Club didnât have that rule. I think Iâd rather be in Fight Club right now.
The teacher just reminded us to leave our egos outside. Itâs safe to say my ego left the moment it saw the wall-to-wall mirrors in here. There is no part of my body I canât see.
I never knew my belly looked like that from the side. Weird.
Ok, focus, stop staring at the mirrors. Focus on the teacher. What the hell are we meant to be doing? She has her back to us and is talking to the mirror. Has she forgotten weâre here? Maybe I can sneak away now…
No, she hasnât. I just got told off for looking at her. It seems weâre meant to be staring at ourselves in the mirror. Ego-less, remember?
She just told us to engage our cores âbecause itâs summer.â Would you not engage your core in winter? FFS.
Itâs ok though, because weâre only in competition with ourselves. Iâm not even paraphrasing now.
This is the strangest mixture of vanity, masochism and self-hatred Iâve ever come across.
People pay for this.
People are weird.
She keeps counting down. Just two more flows, then weâre done. Just one more pose in this sequence. Go to your edge, then hold it for 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Weâve had more false finishes than my nerves can bear.
So. Much. Sweat. There are puddles of water around my mat. Everywhere I touch turns to sweat. I didnât know there was so much water in my body.
The woman next to me doesnât seem to be sweating at all.
She is mostly lying down though. I donât blame her.
She looks very still. I hope sheâs breathing.
Iâd do anything for a cold beer right now.
Or a gin and tonic.
A pint of gin and tonic.
With ice.
Mmmm ice.
I donât think thereâs anyone in the world I would not marry if they brought me a pint of iced gin and tonic.
Maybe Trump. I probably wouldnât marry Trump.
Actually I probably would.
I really do want a gin and tonic.
I am never going to hot yoga again.
I think itâs close to the end.
No one seems to be doing anything anymore. Theyâre mostly wiping themselves with towels and wincing in the mirrors.
Oh no, 3 more poses.
2 more.
Final pose.
If we want to do anything else we can.
I think Iâm good.
Savasana.
Thank fuck for that.
She just told us that our future selves will thank us for this. I doubt that very much.